Hospitals
by thefallenemowriter
Summary: A story written to the song "Hospitals" by The Used. No slash. Warning: suicidal thoughts and attempts.


**_Authors Note: _Warnings: Contains suicidal thoughts and attemps. May have triggers to them. You don't have to read. You can click the little back button thing and be on your way. Mostly told from third person James. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own The Used or the song Hospitals by them. Nor do I own Big Time Rush. This wouldn't be a fanfic if I did. **

**Added note: The song is "Hospitals" by The Used.**

_This feeling never leaves you alone  
__You pull the trigger on your own_

James had no idea what possessed him to try and take his own life. All he could feel was numbness as he reached for the gun. His hand was shaking so badly. He held the gun to his temple and pulled.

_You're hiding in your safe place  
Hiding with your eyes shut tightly_

Kendall was the one who called the hospital. The moment he heard the gun shot, he dialed the number. He sprinted up the stairs into their apartment and saw James, bleeding but still alive with a gun in his loosely curled fingers. Suicide attempt. Kendall yanked the gun away and held onto James' hand tightly, afraid to let go. The paramedics arrived quickly.

_On the way to the hospital_

It felt like he was floating above the world. It was high only attainable through death. James would never admit it but he liked this feeling. Feeling like he was invincible. It was better than any drug imaginable.

_Now will you ever rest your head?  
You end up feeling mostly dead,_

He died in the ambulance. That's what the paramedic said. James was dead for 5 minutes before they brought him back. Kendall didn't know whether to cry or be happy or try to kill James himself.

_Pretending you're the last one,  
Hiding with your eyes shut tightly_

James felt like he was the last person alive. There was a bright white light and everything was… cold was the best way he could put it. He liked pretending that he was the last one. He was glad that he could be a part of this daydream.

_On the way to the hospital_

The paramedics said that James had died for five minutes. They managed to bring him back. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan began crying. They were this close to losing their best friend. Kendall wanted to kill James for trying to off himself. Carlos was ready to throttle him. Logan was just glad that he was alive.

_Before I cross my heart and hope to die at all  
Take off my mask and leave the lies to the liars_

The light was suddenly too bright for him. He cracked open an eye and saw stark white walls and could smell disinfectant. It made him sick. He saw his friends and faked a smile. They told him that they would personally kill him if he tried that again. James promised he wouldn't. He had his fingers crossed.

_It never used to hurt before it isn't funny anymore  
Feeling so alone now,  
Funny how you wish some way that you could die at the hospital_

They left to get food. He made them leave. James didn't want them to starve on his account. His first attempt hadn't hurt as much as this one did. It was no longer a game. He almost took his own life. James couldn't help but feel more alone now. It didn't matter that there was six billion people in the world, he still felt utterly alone.

_You're quiet on the car ride home;  
You're waiting for your head to explode_

Mama Knight came to pick him up. She made the other guys stay home and clean. James didn't mind too much. She didn't make him talk on the way home. He had such a migraine; it hurt to think about anything.

_You're hiding in your safe place  
__Hiding with your eyes shut tightly  
all the way to the hospital_

It was his first therapy session that everyone was making him attend. He was only doing this to make them happy. James didn't have the ability to care anymore. Must have left him when he shot himself. Death has a funny way of doing that to a person.

_Oh, oh, I don't feel okay,  
I don't feel alright!  
Ah Ha-ha...  
Help me god!  
I don't know!_

His thoughts as the psychiatrist made him talk. James didn't want to tell that man what was the reason behind his suicide. He made up so BS and feed that to him. The guy thought he was serious. James would never tell him, or anyone for that matter, what was actually going through his head when he pulled the trigger. It was his business, not theirs. They didn't need to know.

_Before I cross my heart and hope to die at all  
Take off my mask and leave the lies to the liars_

He didn't necessarily lie to them. James had his fingers crossed after all. His parents stopped caring and went about their business. His best friends thought everything was back to normal a few months later. What lies he told everyone. Its better this way, he thought. They won't miss me. They're just pretending so that they don't seem like bad people.

_Before I close my eyes I'm gonna give it up  
Take off my mask and leave the lies to the liars  
leave the lies to the liars_

He tried again. They wanted to murder him for breaking his promise. Technically, he didn't lie. James had his fingers crossed. He never really promised at all. They just thought he did. Everyone always thought he did. He couldn't tell the truth to save his life anymore.

_Will you look them in the face  
could you look me in the face_

James could no longer look anyone in the eyes. He knew he would only see their disappointment. Not that he could blame them any. It was on purpose. He was never going to lie about that. Why should he? He knew what he was doing when he was holding the gun. He knew what he was doing when he pulled the trigger.

_Three cheers you fooled them all  
Come on now, Hip Hip Hooray x2  
Hip hip hooray_

He was angry that he had fooled them for so long. He wasn't even trying. It wasn't that difficult to see through the charade. It never is. Everyone had to be ignoring it. That had to be it. There was no way that they were that oblivious. Anger rose within his chest again. He threw his straight razor at the wall. It was his only best friend. Everyone else was playing him for a fiddle. He hated this feeling.

_Before I cross my heart and hope to die at all  
Take off my mask and leave the lies to the liars  
Before I close my eyes I'm gonna give it up  
Take off my mask and leave the lies to the liars  
leave the lies to the liars  
leave the lies to the liars  
leave the lies to the liars  
leave the lies to the liars  
leave the lies to the liars_

Everyone thought that he was okay. It's been three years. No more suicide attempts or hospital trips. James was 'okay'. He was just playing them for suckers. He was beating Lady Gaga at poker faces. No one could see through his. James Diamond was a liar and there was nothing that they could do.

**Final Note: Reviews mean you love my writing. They mean you love me. Please leave a reveiw. Even one word is better than none. I'll be happy with anything except for hate. No hatin' allowed. This is a hate-free zone. Please respect that.**


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